Halo: The Moron Chronicles
by Atomic P
Summary: What would happen if Master Chief had three other moronic Spartans with him while battling on Halo? Read to find out! Rated because of language.
1. Chapter 1: Escaping the Normal

Halo: The Moron Chronicles   
I don't own anything (Sadly…) Except ZB, Dop, and Zoo. Chapter 1: Escaping the normal. 

It was an average day, well, if you consider sitting in The Pillar of Autumn being attacked by waves of Covenant normal….

Three Spartans stood on deck, one red, one white, one orange, and one green. The red one was called 001, or Zoo. The orange one's name was Dop, the white one's name was ZB, and the green one's name was Master Chief.

Captain Keys- (Smoking.) You three have to take Cortona and leave before the Covenant get their hands on-

ZB- Why are we even listening to you? We already know what we have to do.

Dop- Yeah, we aren't stupid.

MC: Shut up you two! (Runs out of room.)

Captain Keys- Wait, I haven't finished!

Zoo- (Kicks Captain Keys in balls and runs off after MC.) Wait for me!

Captain Keys: (Falls on floor clutching balls.) You bastards!

Dop, ZB- (Look at each other and run off after Zoo.)

A while after the four finish kicking Covenant ass on the ship they reach the escape pods.

Marine- (Laying in front of open escape pod crying.) OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO DIE!

MC, Dop, Zoo, ZB- (Walk up behind Marine.)

MC- (Grabs Marine by collar and lifts.) Don't worry Marine.

Marine- Oh thank you, sir-

MC- (Throws Marine into Pillar of Autumn and runs into escape pod.)

Dop, Zoo, ZB- (Run in after MC.)

Escape Pod- (Launches.)

ZB- Hey, didn't we forget Cortona?

Zoo, Dop- (Look at each other and shrug.)

MC- Woops!


	2. Chapter 2: Hell on Halo

Halo: The Moron Chronicles 

Again, I don't own anything except ZB, Zoo, and Dop.

Chapter 2: Hell on Halo

The escape pod came crashing down, Marines freaking out and Dop constantly slapping them.

Pilot-Would you shut up! We aren't going to die!

Zoo-Yeah, look! There's river that we can land on!

Pilot-Yeah, and it's not like we're going to crash un-prepared!

Marines- (Calm down.)

Marine 1- Yeah! Let's play cards!

Marines- (Cheer.)

MC- I hate to break it to you but…. Our pilot just died.

Marine 2-We're boned…

The pod crashes killing all of the marines and some how splattering them out of the ship.

ZB, Zoo- (Stumble out to MC and Dop.)

Zoo- What the hell just happened?

MC-I don't know but Covenant drop ships are in bound! They're going to attack!

Dop- How'd you know that!

MC- I can see the future!

ZB- No you can't!

MC- Oh yeah? You're about to trip.

ZB-That's absurd! (Turns around and begins walking) Cheapo… (Trips on gun) GAAH!

MC- See?

ZB- Shut up…

Zoo- Uh, guys… (Points to drop ship)

MC- OH SHIT! (Runs and hides in escape pod)

ZB- (Looks at drop ship) Oh great… just what I needed!

Zoo, Dop- (Sneak into escape pod and close door while ZB is blabbing)

ZB- Well, it looks like we'll have to combine our skills to defeat them. (Turns around) You bastards…

A few hours passed and MC, Dop, and Zoo walked out of the escape pod.

MC- ZB?

Dop- Oh, I see him! He's on that rock!

ZB- (Sitting on a rock covered in Covenant and his own blood, rocking back and forth)

Zoo- (Walks to ZB) Hey are you ok?

ZB- (Stands up) Of course I am!

Zoo- R-really?

ZB- NO NOT SERIOUSLY! YOU JACK-ASSES LEFT ME TO FIGHT ALL OF THOSE GOD DAMN COVENANT ALONE! YOU THREE MOTHER FUCKERS DESERVE TO BE SENT TO HELL AND TORTURED BY MICHEAL JACKSON'S FLAMING HOMO GHOST FOR ETERNITY!

MC, Dop, Zoo- (Look at each other) Sorry?

ZB- (Sighs) What ever…

MC- Well uh… let's move out! Remember, it's Hell here!

Dop- (Snickers) Hell on Earth, Hell on Halo…


	3. Chapter 2: Part 2

Halo: The Moron Chronicles

That's right, I'm back after finally getting one good review! Thank you! For the rest of you, FUCK YOU!

Chapter 2 Part 2: Saving Private Retard

ZB, ZOO, DOP, and MC are walking through a canyon, looking for survivors.

DOP-Swing low… sweat chariot! Comin' for to carry me home! Swing low-

ZOO, MC-SHUT THE HELL UP!

DOP-Fucking-fine! I was just trying to lighten' you guys up!

ZB-By singing slave-labor songs!

DOP-Point taken…

MC-Holy shit! Drop pods! And… a bunch of dead marines around them… shit.

ZB-Well at least this time it wasn't my fault!

DOP-Wait, look! Live marines on that weird-building thing!

The four stop for a second and suddenly make a mad dash towards the live marines. Just before they reach the ramp leading to the marines a Covenant drop ship lands and blows the surviving marines up.

ZOO-Oh no!

DOP-Oh no!

MC-Oh no!

ZB-Oh no!

Kool-Aid Guy- (Breaks through wall) Oooh yeah!

ZB, MC, DOP, ZOO, Covenant-(Stare at Kool-Aid Guy)

Kool-Aid Guy-(Looks around and runs off)

Well, that's it for now, sorry about this chapter's shortness, the next will be longer… I guess, also, it will guest star the Arbiter! Before he was the Arbiter that is….


	4. Chapter 2: Part 3

Halo: The Moron Chronicles

Chapter 2: Part 3: Dude where's my Wart Hog?

Thanks for the review, I only got one but that's enough to keep me going. This chapter should be longer then the last though it might suck cause I haven't played Halo in a while.

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MC, DOP, ZOO, and ZB all sit in a Wart Hog. MC in the driver's seat, ZOO in the passenger's seat, DOP in the gunner's, and ZB on the hood of the car.

ZB-WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO RIDE ON THE HOOD!

MC-Well, we um… you see…. Er… it's simple really…. Okay there's no actual excuse…

ZOO-Look! A metal tunnel!

DOP-Do you think it's artificial?

ZOO-No, cause you know, nature can make light bulbs and signs…

MC-We're going in!

DOP-I hope we don't run into any bridges…

Ten minutes later the Wart Hog (With the four SPARTANS on it of course) sits in front of long gap were an off plasma bridge sits.

DOP-God damn it!

MC-ZB, Go find the controls!

ZB-(Slides off car) yeah okay, no problem! I'm okay to run around and kill waves of Covenant by myself!

ZOO-Sweet, can you bring me back a soda?

ZB-(Sighs and walks off)

A few hours pass and ZB returns, with beaten and blood soaked armor.

DOP-What's with you and having blood drenched armor?

ZB-It's **MY** blood!

DOP-Oh, well excuse me, Mr. Grumpy Gus!

MC-Great job with turning the bridge on and all…

ZB-What ever… (Climbs onto hood of Wart Hog)

Another few minutes pass and the group is in a clearing littered with Covenant and Marine bodies. Also, the Wart Hog has been destroyed… man how did I not mention that?

MC-Damn it, we need back up! More Covenant are bound to show up!

Suddenly a Pelican lands in front of the group and opens it's hatch.

Pelican-Pilot-(Over radio) Did someone order a pick up?

ZB-Fucking finally!

The four SPARTANS cheer and board the Pelican.

Pelican-Pilot-So did you guys save any Marines?

ZOO-Yeah, we left them in a clearing so we could find help, most of them were wounded.

MC-Oh shit! We forgot to go back for them!

Pelican-Pilot-Should we go back for them!

MC-Nah…

Yes, that's the end of this chapter, not very long but it's sweat! Review for my sake! Oh, and I forgot to add the arbiter… ah well!


	5. Chapter 3

Halo: The Moron Chronicles

Chapter 3: Truth and reconsi-reconsilic-rocensily-ah fuck it!

Thanks for the reviews, guys! It helps to know that I have some fans! This chapter will contain the Arbiter, although it will be for a short time. Sorry for the long waiting time, School just let out and I've been a tad busy.

The Pelican lands in another one of Halo's canyons. Somehow, it's night. Seriously though, Halo can't rotate! It's a ring! How is there a night?

MC, DOP, ZOO, ZB-(Jump out of Pelican)

MC-All right guys, we know that Captain Keys is being held captive on the Covenant cruiser-

ZB-What cruiser?

MC-(Points upwards)

ZB-Huh? (Looks up) Oh… wow.

DOP-How will we get in to it?

MC-I was going to say, but ZB interrupted-

ZB-Do you think that it can shoot lasers? That would be so kick ass!

MC-(Sighs) We'll be getting in via big-gravity-sucking-thing.

ZOO-Big-gravity-sucking-thing?

MC-I don't remember the real name! Ok!

ZOO-Fine…

ZB-So why couldn't we be flown directly to the big-gravity-sucking-thing?

MC-There's bound to Covenant guarding it!

Meanwhile in a Covenant McDonalds…

Elite, Grunt, Hunter, Jackal-(Sitting at table)

Grunt-So uh, you think we should be guarding the gravity-lift?

Elite-Nah, besides, we can't fight on empty stomachs!

Back at the gravity-lift…

MC, ZB, ZOO, DOP-(Standing on gravity-lift)

MC-Okay so the Covenant are bigger idiots than we thought, big deal!

A few minutes later the four have gotten into the Covenant Cruiser.

DOP-Wow, nice place.

ZOO-(Looking at invisible sword Elite) Okay, you know I can see you with your sword, right?

Invisible Sword Elite #1-(Gasps) The humans can see invisible things! Amazing!

Invisible Sword Elite #2-O rly?

Invisible Sword Elite #1-(Turns to Invisible Sword Elite #2 and stabs rapidly)

Invisible Sword Elite #2-GAH! SWORD-IN-SPLEEN! (Falls over and dies)

ZOO-(Sighs and shoots Invisible Sword Elite #1)

ZB-(Points to open door) Look!

DOP-An escape route!

MC, DOP, ZOO, ZB-(Run through open door and stop at closed door)

DOP-Ah fuck…

ZOO-We need to send someone to find the way to open the door!

MC-(Taps ZB) All right, you heard him, go on. We'll be waiting here safely drinking hot cocoa.

ZB-Aw… (Walks out)

DOP-Pfft, dumbass.

An hour or so passes before ZB finally gets the door open.

MC-What took so long?

ZB-I had to hack the damn thing!

DOP-So why are you so mad?

ZB-Well, we could have hacked it with out me having to fight through hordes of Covenant!

ZOO-Oh… sorry?

Another few hours pass and the four have fought to Captain Key's jail cell.

MC-Don't worry sir, we'll get you out!

Captain Keys-Hurry up, god damn it! I heard the guards talking about Halo, they said it was a weapon!

ZB-(Opens cell) There you are, sir!

Captain Keys-Let's just get the hell out of here…

Meanwhile, in the cruiser's control room…

Arbiter-(Standing at window, looking outside)

Elite-(Walks up) Sir, four humans have fought their way through the ship, they've rescued their leader and escaped with him!

Arbiter-I honestly don't care, I just want to visit that little island so I can write in my diary in peace!

Elite-O-okay sir… COUGH FAGGOT! COUGH

Arbiter-Sounds like you've got a cold there, you should really visit a medic before you get a serious boo-boo!

Elite-(Widens eyes and slowly backs away) Ye-yes sir… (Runs off)

That's it for now, again, review or I'll be forced to stop! I know, this chapter was still short but it was longer than the last few!


	6. Chapter 4: The silent Photographer

Halo: The Moron Chronicles

Chapter 4, wait it is chapter 4, right? Anyway, maybe chapter 4: The silent Photographer

I only got one review, well two but they came from the same person. REVIEW GOD DAMN IT!

Three pelicans fly over Halo's ocean, which kind of freaks me out cause' you can't drown in it…

Pelican Pilot 1-All right, we're going to land where all of those Covenant are!

MC-Fucking why?

Pelican Pilot 1-Uh, I don't know!

ZB-Couldn't we just land in front of the building that we're suppose to go to?

Pelican Pilot 2-No! That'd ruin the coolness!

DOP-You mean the retardedness?

Pelican Pilot 3-(Begins crying) Why do you say stuff that you know will hurt us!

The pelicans all land on the beach that is covered with hundreds of Covenant.

MC, DOP, ZOO, ZB-(Jump out of Pelican and take cover)

ZOO-Hey, ZB, those hunters stole your turtle.

ZB-POE! NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs out like a madman and attacks Covenant)

(By the way I DO have a turtle and his name is Poe…)

DOP-Wait, isn't his turtle on Earth?

ZOO-Yeah but he doesn't know that.

DOP, MC-Ooooohhhhh….

An hour or so passes and MC, DOP, and ZOO are all playing cards.

ZOO-Go fish!

MC-We're playing poker, dumbass.

DOP-I uh, got five aces! Yeah…. Five aces.

MC-There are only four aces in a deck!

DOP-Well I have five!

ZB comes back, covered in blood and holding a turtle.

ZB-I have one! Poe has been saved!

ZOO, DOP-(Look at each other)

DOP-They really had a turtle?

ZOO-And that turtle is Poe?

ZB-YES! Can't you see?

DOP-(Shakes head and looks at MC) Am I going insane?

MC-(Shakes head) No… I see it too…

An hour or so passes and the group has made it through the first facility, now they are backtracking through the second, trying to get out.

MC-Damn it, we've passed that grunt's body! We're lost!

ZOO-No, no we haven't! We haven't passed that marine's body!

ZB-Actually, I just killed him… we are lost.

DOP-NO! I'LL NEVER SEE MR. SNUGGLES AGAIN!

ZOO-(Looks at ZB) Who's Mr. Snuggles?

ZB-His teddy bear…

MC-Look! The room that leads out!

The four instantly make a mad dash fro the room but are stopped by two invisible elites.

Invisible Elite 1-Hault! Who goes there?

MC-Er…

Invisible Elite 2-You must answer a riddle to pass!

DOP-(Turns to ZOO) Why don't they just try to kill us?

ZOO-(Shrugs)

MC-Uh, what is the riddle?

Invisible Elite1-What came first, the Jackal or the egg?

ZB-MY GRENADE! (Throws grenade at elites)

The two Elites are blown to pieces and MC, DOP, and ZOO all look at ZB.

ZB-What? That was easier!

DOP-He's got a point… NOW LET'S KEEP RUNNING!

The four run through the room and out of the corridor leading outside, surprisingly, no one is there to pick them up. Instead the Arbiter is standing on the platform, taking pictures of the beach.

Arbiter-(Sniffs) It's so beautiful I could cry!

MC-Uh… who are you?

Arbiter-(Turns to MC) Why, I'm insert arbiter's name here

ZOO-Well what are you doing?

Arbiter-Taking pictures of the beach, it reminds me of my dead dog… (Sniffs) Poor Mr. Waffles… (Hugs MC and begins to cry) OH MR. WAFFLES! WHY DID YOU GO!

MC-Uh…. It's ok?

Another hour or so passes before the four get a ride with the Arbiter to the new Marine base, for some Reason the Arbiter doesn't think to attack the base….

There it is! Longer then most of the chapters, more random, and funnier!

Please review guys, it's hard to keep going with out support.


	7. Chapter 5: That snowy place

Halo: The Moron Chronicles

Chapter 5: I um… I forgot… it's that snowy place, right?

Sorry about the wait guys, I'm working on two other projects, one also dealing with Halo. Anyway, thanks Reaper00140 for sticking with me. I haven't played Halo in a while (I've been too busy playing other games) so I forgot the name of this level….

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MC, DOP, ZB, and ZOO all stand on a plat form in a huge vertical tunnel-thing.

DOP-What the fuck? Where the hell are we?

MC-I don't know… the last thing I remember is eating tacos with Corporal Jerry…

ZOO-Damn it how did we get here!

ZB-Hey guys! Look! Sleeping grunts! (Points at sleeping grunts) Aren't they just so cuuuuuuuute!

MC, ZOO, DOP-(All look at ZB) What-the-fuck?

ZB-(Sighs) Sorry guys, I haven't ever been the same since my little cousin drugged me…. No every time I see a sleeping grunt I feel like hugging them! (Chucks grenade into crowd of sleeping grunts) Problem, solved!

A few minutes or so pass, ZB and MC are ahead of the others and at the bottom of an elevator shaft while DOP and ZOO are at the top.

ZOO-All right, send it up!

MC activates the console, sending the elevator up towards DOP and ZOO.

ZB-We're still going to mess with them, right?

MC-Oh yeah.

A second or so passes and ZOO and DOP are on the elevator, which is in the middle of the shaft. …That came out wrong… Suddenly, ZB begins rapidly pressing the elevator button, causing the elevator to become stuck in the middle of the shaft. Again, that came out wrong.

DOP-What the- what the hell?

ZOO-ZB GOD DAMN IT STOP!

MC-Great idea man!

ZB-Thanks, MC!

Suddenly, two Elites, three Jackals, and six Grunts burst into the bottom of the control room.

MC-SHIT!

DOP-What's happening?

A half an hour passes and the Covenant troops are all laughing with MC and ZB.

ZOO-I THINK I'M GOING TO THROW UP! (Barfs)

DOP-OH GOD! IT'S EVERYWHERE!

Elite #1- WORT WORT WORT!

Grunt #1-Silly demons!

Jackal #1, ZB-(Mocking DOP and ZOO) BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

A few hours later ZOO, DOP, and MC are all battling through a huge snowy battlefield.

ZOO-GAH! TOO-MANY-COVENANT!

DOP-DAMN IT! I'M OUT!

MC-WHERE THE HELL IS ZB!

Suddenly, a Scorpion tank drives into battle and literally runs over every Covenant troop.

ZB-(Hops out of tank) Come on guys!

DOP-I fucking hate you…

Fast forward to a point where the four are arguing over what to do with the Halo control room console.

ZOO-I'm telling you, we shouldn't activate it!

MC-Why not!

DOP-Look you guys, we simply have to leave someone here until we can figure out what to do!

ZB-OOH! OOH! ME ME ME! I WANNA' STAY HERE!

MC-(Shrugs) Well that settles it.

MC, DOP, ZOO-(Walk out) See ya' ZB!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Well, that's it for now, yeah I know this chapter was short but I couldn't think of what happened in this level. Anyway thanks-

ZB-Wait, that's it!

Um… yes?

ZB-That's stupid! I didn't even get to do anything!

What? Yeah you did! Now shut up!

ZB-You'll talk to my manager about this!

I AM your manager! Anyway, thanks again guys, please, PLEASE, review!


	8. Explanation

Halo: The Moron Chronicles

This isn't a real chapter, so sorry to get your hopes up. This is just an explanation to a few things. First, I bet you're wondering why in hell I don't release chapters weekly, monthly, etc. That's because I never know if I'll have time to both write and submit the chapters on schedule! Second, I'll tell you why it takes so long, this is because usually I get no friggen' time to write these stories! Also, the lack of reviews discourages me. Third you're wondering why they're so short, I write these chapters in one sitting, that's why. Don't worry though; this is changing now that I have more time. See, there are reasons to my idiocy that will soon be changing! Thanks guys for listening and sorry for this non-real chapter.


	9. Chapter 6: Part one

Halo: The Moron Chronicles

Chapter 6: Annoying-ass-hell-Spark 343

Jesus, how long has it been? Sorry folks, life has been keeping me busy, incredibly-fucking busy. Also, I got tired of writing (GASP!) but now I'm back into it! Please people reply more often though!

A pelican flies into a swamp area and lands, MC, DOP, and ZOO step out.

ZOO-Oh god, I feel like throwing up!

DOP-Come on, the ride wasn't _that _bad!

ZOO-It's not that, I ate crab pizza just before we left!

MC-Ew… Hey guys, look! A bunch of running grunts!

DOP-Man, ZB would love blowing their Asses up!

In Halo's control room…

ZB-Damn, I could go for some grunt killing right about now!

Back in the swamps…

MC, ZOO-Yeah…. But he volunteered to stay! (Look at each other) Hey, stop saying what I'm saying! ARGH! (Lunge at each other)

Grunt 3-Ooh ooh! Look! Two gay demons humping each other!

Grunt 2-Take a picture! Take a picture!

Ew… mental images…

MC-We aren't gay!

DOP-Yeah, they're just on top of each other!

ZOO-Hey, DOP, shut up, we'll handle this.

Grunt 4-Yeah right! You just don't want to admit it!

MC-No we-aw fuck it. (Tosses grenade at grunts) Little bastards…

ZOO-Hey guys, I'm gonna' climb that cliff side and go ahead, I'll meet up with you later! (Runs off)

DOP-DUMB ASS! YOU HAVE OUR GUNS!

Much, much later, on the swamp cliff side…

ZOO-Jesus, it's fucking foggy today! Why do I say fuck so much? Fucky Mc Fuck fucktard fuck fucktastically fucked… fuck. Hey, do I hear gunshots and screaming grunts! (Runs towards sound) …The hell?

Floating assault rifles open fore on a squad of grunts, if you did the glitch thing in this level, you know what I mean.

ZOO-(Gasps) Invisible Marines! WAIT FOR ME! (Runs after guns)

A grenade suddenly smacks into ZOO and blows up

I'm too lazy to do any more, besides, this one was suppose to be a short one to tell you that I'm back. Thanks for the replies, but I want more! More damn it!

Shit… my favorite show just came on, buh-bye!

AND REPLY!


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